1 year

This is not really the place to write about the events that took place last year, however I will say it was the day I got my life back.  Some say that there are seven stages of grief, I remember only three.

I processed through guilt.  I remember guilt so clearly because I was ashamed at how I felt.  I felt guilty for the things I said, wishing I would have been honest and not so curt.  I felt guilt for not feeling sad.  I felt guilt because I could start over and others could not.  I also had the pleasure of carrying everyone else's guilt because in death someone must be blamed.

This next one is a two part deal.  Its called anger and bargaining.  I had double anger and no bargain.  Its been 365 days and I'm still mad.  If I could scream and yell and make him see his actions caused his demise I would.  I was angry at everyone else who blamed me.  Everyone who had an opinion that they choose to go public with.  I was hot with anger over the fear I lived in.  I had no bargaining, I didn't want a different outcome.  More than anything I am angry that I put myself in that position to begin with.  I am angry for not asking for help.  I am angry that I let some piece of shit man control me and my existence.

The last one is acceptance.  I am no longer ashamed of how I dealt with the "situation".  When forced with a fork in the road to dwell, suffer and relive the pain or to move on, I choose to move on.  Whats done is done.  No amount of crying, moping or sitting around wallowing in pain is going to change what happened.  Because I choose to accept his death rather than live in denial, I was the most cold hearted bitch to ever walk the planet.  I would rather pick up my pieces and start over rather than humpty dumpty  them back together.  I wish that people could see that acceptance is going to come at one time or another.    Perhaps my detachment was easier due to the circumstances or because I had already given up long before he was dead. As insensitive, cold hearted and ridiculous as it may sound to some I was happy that my old life was over.  To me his death meant a new beginning, I had a chance to live life the right way again.

My theory on Mulligan Marriage:
My previous marriage was given a mulligan, a do over, an oopps.  While we said all the same vows that everyone else does, we lived them slightly different.  The term husband is to easily given out.  If you look up said husband in the dictionary it will say: drug dealer, wife beater, steroid junkie, alcoholic and later on a drug addict.  Sounds pretty awesome right?  When getting married I had no idea what I was in for.  While it takes two to get married, it takes two to destroy the union as well.  I was no angel by any means, I simply wanted out.  My out came, just in a different way.  I got a mulligan.  I know exactly what I do not want in a husband and what type of marriage I will never have again.

I can still remember this day like a movie, in time that will fade.  For now it is a constant reminder that I got a second chance and my fate ended in happiness and not a grave.  I can not thank my family and friends enough for going on this roller coaster with me.

" Don't let the past and useless details choke your existence"