Death is never forgotten... For the ones that remain carry a pain so deep only death itself can heal it. When past memories are the only way to gauge happiness reality is somehow lost. Lost somewhere in the past and future and missing everything in between.
Grief has a way of hiding underneath everything. After all the anger and pain subside, life comes back or so we think. Grief is tricky it keeps coming back, relentless at times. Grief exposes all the holes in our hearts. Those same holes that we fill with stuff. Stuff like cars and clothes and handbags. None of this "STUFF" will ever fill the holes left by death.
That cavern is like the ocean. Some days the waves flow in and out as expected. Then a hurricane comes and blows everything to bits. Every time crumbling my heart like a wooden ship. We're taught to move on, to just get over it. Hearts can't be put back together like humpty dumpty.
No adjective can describe the emptiness left when a loved one passes on. To all of you who are grieving or missing or hurting.... That pain inside doesn't define you. Your greatness here in the present is vital to moving forward. Live in their honor... Take control of life and live it.
We owe it to our loved ones here to be "present" before we're just a memory ourselves.
Monday, June 27, 2016
Tuesday, June 21, 2016
Hampster Wheels & Broken Hearts
Growing up in an emotionally toxic home I used to question if I was capable of living a " healthy life". Am I toxic because I was conditioned that way or am "I" toxic inside all on my own?
In my pursuit of happiness and reaching my ultimate goal of a " healthy life" I've come to my personal conclusion. As humans we form daily routines, routines turn into patterns and patterns turn into years. In my younger life I was conditioned to the feeling of toxic energy. The feeling of walking on eggshells. The change in energy the second I walked through the door was as intense as a punch to the gut. My routine became as simple as good energy was anywhere but home. The energy at home was always so thick with tension. My pattern became keeping negative energy in my home long after being conditioned to feel it. So in short I was conditioned to maintain an unbalanced energy.... My pattern and comfort choose to keep the imbalance until a year ago.
I started a process a year ago to change myself for the better even if it meant standing alone. I put myself, my feelings, my soul happiness above EVERY.SINGLE.THING. I started meditating, manifesting what I wanted, how I planned to get there and how I was going to maintain my new life.
Its been harder than I ever imagined.. Our patterns, our environment, and especially hearts are constantly changing. Those changing variables pushed me to the brink more than once to give up and go back to what "felt" normal. I learned the hard way I didn't love myself. Not unconditionally and most days not even a bit of love came through. Fighting to confront my wrongs, my rights and all the lessons I had learned broke my heart open like a porcelain piggy bank.
I was broken, so damaged and taking it out on everyone I loved most. It was time to look in the mirror and accept fully the choices I had made one by one to get me to now. There is a saying " the hardest thing in life is giving an apology to someone who doesn't deserve it" that person was myself. The very second I fully forgave myself for every vile, hurtful, angry thing I'd ever said/done my heart felt lighter.
The guilt we feel inside ourselves is the only thing that stops us from forgiving others. Every single person has said things, done things and ran from feelings. Emotions are wild, they are stronger than the ties that bond us. Long after the verbal exchange of hurt the mind keeps replaying those pieces of pain.
I extend my grace to you, to forgive yourself. Life a life from your heart, from now, this present moment. Not what was, not whats going to be. Life is full of mistakes... let go of the hurt you feel from then, let go of the hurt that's threatening to stealing your joy from now. Give those clips of verbal, emotional and physical abuse back to the abuser. Take accountability for your part in all always and let the rest go. Your mind is abusing you now, not the abuser. That my friend makes us responsible for breaking open our hearts and foraging on despite the mental chains holding us down.
YOU ARE ENOUGH, ALWAYS, IN ALL WAYS
In my pursuit of happiness and reaching my ultimate goal of a " healthy life" I've come to my personal conclusion. As humans we form daily routines, routines turn into patterns and patterns turn into years. In my younger life I was conditioned to the feeling of toxic energy. The feeling of walking on eggshells. The change in energy the second I walked through the door was as intense as a punch to the gut. My routine became as simple as good energy was anywhere but home. The energy at home was always so thick with tension. My pattern became keeping negative energy in my home long after being conditioned to feel it. So in short I was conditioned to maintain an unbalanced energy.... My pattern and comfort choose to keep the imbalance until a year ago.
I started a process a year ago to change myself for the better even if it meant standing alone. I put myself, my feelings, my soul happiness above EVERY.SINGLE.THING. I started meditating, manifesting what I wanted, how I planned to get there and how I was going to maintain my new life.
Its been harder than I ever imagined.. Our patterns, our environment, and especially hearts are constantly changing. Those changing variables pushed me to the brink more than once to give up and go back to what "felt" normal. I learned the hard way I didn't love myself. Not unconditionally and most days not even a bit of love came through. Fighting to confront my wrongs, my rights and all the lessons I had learned broke my heart open like a porcelain piggy bank.
I was broken, so damaged and taking it out on everyone I loved most. It was time to look in the mirror and accept fully the choices I had made one by one to get me to now. There is a saying " the hardest thing in life is giving an apology to someone who doesn't deserve it" that person was myself. The very second I fully forgave myself for every vile, hurtful, angry thing I'd ever said/done my heart felt lighter.
The guilt we feel inside ourselves is the only thing that stops us from forgiving others. Every single person has said things, done things and ran from feelings. Emotions are wild, they are stronger than the ties that bond us. Long after the verbal exchange of hurt the mind keeps replaying those pieces of pain.
I extend my grace to you, to forgive yourself. Life a life from your heart, from now, this present moment. Not what was, not whats going to be. Life is full of mistakes... let go of the hurt you feel from then, let go of the hurt that's threatening to stealing your joy from now. Give those clips of verbal, emotional and physical abuse back to the abuser. Take accountability for your part in all always and let the rest go. Your mind is abusing you now, not the abuser. That my friend makes us responsible for breaking open our hearts and foraging on despite the mental chains holding us down.
YOU ARE ENOUGH, ALWAYS, IN ALL WAYS
Monday, June 13, 2016
Year 4
A letter to my son:
Its summer time now, that means you have another birthday. This year its all about pirates and sharks. You're dead set on having a pirate party in full costume wear. As I did the yearly cleaning of clothes and toys that no longer fit, it hit me harder than last year. I want to write down all the things I love about this "year" so that one day you can look back and treasure them with your own children.
This year we have done so many firsts together. We took our first trip to CA. Watching you meet family for the first time healed my heart in ways I never expected. Your ease meeting new people amazes me. In your little body you find a way to be so strong, so gentle and so patient. You amaze me. I'll never understand the magnitude of your greatness and all you bring to me.
Your little voice and the lisps you make when saying "shishing" instead of fishing. Being crabby after long naps and just wanting mama cuddles. Its never wanting to let go of these moments and urging you to grow and blossom on your own.
You still tell me you're not a baby anymore. Your so big and "grown up" at times I forget you're just 3 going on 4. I watch you sleep and think back to your crib days and for a fleeting second I can still smell your new baby skin.
A bond between a mother and son is something I used to see from a distance. My son, the bond we have created has pushed me to places I've only dreamed about. It is such an honor to be your mother.
Today its your toothy smile and baby faced grin. While your free spirit, your willingness to grow, and heart of gold will carry you far. Never forget to believe in you, you are all you need to succeed.
~ Love Mom
Its summer time now, that means you have another birthday. This year its all about pirates and sharks. You're dead set on having a pirate party in full costume wear. As I did the yearly cleaning of clothes and toys that no longer fit, it hit me harder than last year. I want to write down all the things I love about this "year" so that one day you can look back and treasure them with your own children.
This year we have done so many firsts together. We took our first trip to CA. Watching you meet family for the first time healed my heart in ways I never expected. Your ease meeting new people amazes me. In your little body you find a way to be so strong, so gentle and so patient. You amaze me. I'll never understand the magnitude of your greatness and all you bring to me.
Your little voice and the lisps you make when saying "shishing" instead of fishing. Being crabby after long naps and just wanting mama cuddles. Its never wanting to let go of these moments and urging you to grow and blossom on your own.
You still tell me you're not a baby anymore. Your so big and "grown up" at times I forget you're just 3 going on 4. I watch you sleep and think back to your crib days and for a fleeting second I can still smell your new baby skin.
A bond between a mother and son is something I used to see from a distance. My son, the bond we have created has pushed me to places I've only dreamed about. It is such an honor to be your mother.
Today its your toothy smile and baby faced grin. While your free spirit, your willingness to grow, and heart of gold will carry you far. Never forget to believe in you, you are all you need to succeed.
~ Love Mom
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)