Calm before the Storm

I wasn't sure where to begin with todays post.  These past few days I have been filled with so many thoughts and emotions. I apologize for the random rambling. Tomorrow is the day that will change our lives forever.  While we have bonded to Bean and already love him or her, tomorrow will bring a new connection.  The ability to call Bean by a name just makes everything more real.  I have tried to prepare myself for either outcome, while my heart cries out for a son.  Before anyone feels like judging me, go stick it where the sun don't shine.  While a healthy baby is what is important, I can't help but feel drawn to one direction. 

I am so sick of everyone telling me that they never wanted one sex over the other, I call Bull!  Its only natural to want things in life.  I just choose to express my feelings instead of being ashamed.  Why do people think that just because I WANT a boy, doesn't mean I WON'T love a girl.  The reveal of Bean will happen on Christmas.  While I hate secrets and can't stop raving about Bean, B and I need to enjoy the news as a family.  

Another thing that is starting to irritate me is the constant looks to my ring finger.  I have posted on this topic before but need to vent before I bitch slap someone.  Once again, why do people think that babies can only be made if you have metal on your finger and paper on the wall? We have both been there and done that.  Being married is not a priority, loving each other and living a happy life are.  

Some say that in tragedy there is always a deeper meaning, sometimes even a silver lining.  For those that know anything about my past, in three short weeks it will be 1 year since the incident.  Thats something worth posting about but not now.  For those that are in the dark, here is a theory I use to explain the situation- when looking at an ice berg it is easy to judge by whats seen, not the massive berg that remains hidden under the water.  Some thought I was a cold heartless bitch, others supported my choice and people I thought were friends disappeared.  This year has been anything but easy, I chose to make the best of it instead of wallow is selfless pity.  

My silver lining was the ability to regain relationships that had been broken and lost.  In part I owe a thank you to my little sister who had the courage to talk when I didn't.  To my parents for being there when I needed them most, for the ability to bridge over the ocean below.  Had it not been for the incident, who knows how long the not talking streak would have continued.  I am so grateful for the friendship that we have now, I couldn't imagine going one week without talking to them. 

In the midst of being at my absolute worst I was able to fall in-love with someone who took me for what I was.  I was loved for me, all the broken pieces of me at that.  And here we are making a life with each other, something that was out of the picture before. 

The part that really gets me is that now that things have turned over a leaf there is all this distance.  I want Bean to know our families.  Besides B and I everyone lives in different states.  Its hard not to get choked up about how to make holidays and birthdays will work when we live across the country.  I wish that my mom lived across town and I could go visit.  I wish that my Nana could meet her great-granchild.  I wish B's mom and grandma could be here to see us.  I want my sister to be the awesome aunt that feeds Bean sugar and gets the noisy drum-set.  Things are different when family is separated by miles instead of arguments.  For once I actually get why family is so important.  

By far this post is possibly the longest yet.  It will most likely have many parts to follow.  For all you readers, get the tissues...... These hormones are going to get the best of all involved.  I'm off to go make nuggets, a family recipe that my dad taught me years ago.  I can't believe its been well over a year since I made them last.