What is TBD you ask... TO BUSY DISORDER.... to fucking busy to say the whole "disorder" and its the life we've come to know a flourish in.
Its disgusting to me that life itself is the lowest priority for some. Do you know your neighbor? Have you called your mom this week or are you TOO FUCKING BUSY?
When the rat race of life becomes so overwhelming so damn busy if you will, what summers most is life.... Why does it take mass shootings, natural disasters or tragic events for people to wake the fuck up and realize the most important things in life are being tossed away.
Money its a necessity to some degree, but it is not life. Do not waste your life chasing this cheddar to have it all go down in flames. When all this "stuff" is gone and the world is left with nothing but strangers staring at each other maybe people will get it.
When the joy we get in our children is zapped by the demand to "pay" for them and all the "time" they need is too demanding because us parents have TBD. Every second of every month is planned to the tee, that's not living that's surviving.
So much judgment, so much hate... we are all the same.... human beings. We deserve love and respect and general concern for life. Don't let your TBD turn you into one of those self righteous assholes sitting behind a screen judging from the tiny perspective facebook or the news shows you.
And to the "cyber bullies" when your time comes and you want sympathy or compassion pray to god... he's your maker and he'll decide whats next for you.
Wednesday, July 13, 2016
Monday, June 27, 2016
Time Stops With You
Death is never forgotten... For the ones that remain carry a pain so deep only death itself can heal it. When past memories are the only way to gauge happiness reality is somehow lost. Lost somewhere in the past and future and missing everything in between.
Grief has a way of hiding underneath everything. After all the anger and pain subside, life comes back or so we think. Grief is tricky it keeps coming back, relentless at times. Grief exposes all the holes in our hearts. Those same holes that we fill with stuff. Stuff like cars and clothes and handbags. None of this "STUFF" will ever fill the holes left by death.
That cavern is like the ocean. Some days the waves flow in and out as expected. Then a hurricane comes and blows everything to bits. Every time crumbling my heart like a wooden ship. We're taught to move on, to just get over it. Hearts can't be put back together like humpty dumpty.
No adjective can describe the emptiness left when a loved one passes on. To all of you who are grieving or missing or hurting.... That pain inside doesn't define you. Your greatness here in the present is vital to moving forward. Live in their honor... Take control of life and live it.
We owe it to our loved ones here to be "present" before we're just a memory ourselves.
Grief has a way of hiding underneath everything. After all the anger and pain subside, life comes back or so we think. Grief is tricky it keeps coming back, relentless at times. Grief exposes all the holes in our hearts. Those same holes that we fill with stuff. Stuff like cars and clothes and handbags. None of this "STUFF" will ever fill the holes left by death.
That cavern is like the ocean. Some days the waves flow in and out as expected. Then a hurricane comes and blows everything to bits. Every time crumbling my heart like a wooden ship. We're taught to move on, to just get over it. Hearts can't be put back together like humpty dumpty.
No adjective can describe the emptiness left when a loved one passes on. To all of you who are grieving or missing or hurting.... That pain inside doesn't define you. Your greatness here in the present is vital to moving forward. Live in their honor... Take control of life and live it.
We owe it to our loved ones here to be "present" before we're just a memory ourselves.
Tuesday, June 21, 2016
Hampster Wheels & Broken Hearts
Growing up in an emotionally toxic home I used to question if I was capable of living a " healthy life". Am I toxic because I was conditioned that way or am "I" toxic inside all on my own?
In my pursuit of happiness and reaching my ultimate goal of a " healthy life" I've come to my personal conclusion. As humans we form daily routines, routines turn into patterns and patterns turn into years. In my younger life I was conditioned to the feeling of toxic energy. The feeling of walking on eggshells. The change in energy the second I walked through the door was as intense as a punch to the gut. My routine became as simple as good energy was anywhere but home. The energy at home was always so thick with tension. My pattern became keeping negative energy in my home long after being conditioned to feel it. So in short I was conditioned to maintain an unbalanced energy.... My pattern and comfort choose to keep the imbalance until a year ago.
I started a process a year ago to change myself for the better even if it meant standing alone. I put myself, my feelings, my soul happiness above EVERY.SINGLE.THING. I started meditating, manifesting what I wanted, how I planned to get there and how I was going to maintain my new life.
Its been harder than I ever imagined.. Our patterns, our environment, and especially hearts are constantly changing. Those changing variables pushed me to the brink more than once to give up and go back to what "felt" normal. I learned the hard way I didn't love myself. Not unconditionally and most days not even a bit of love came through. Fighting to confront my wrongs, my rights and all the lessons I had learned broke my heart open like a porcelain piggy bank.
I was broken, so damaged and taking it out on everyone I loved most. It was time to look in the mirror and accept fully the choices I had made one by one to get me to now. There is a saying " the hardest thing in life is giving an apology to someone who doesn't deserve it" that person was myself. The very second I fully forgave myself for every vile, hurtful, angry thing I'd ever said/done my heart felt lighter.
The guilt we feel inside ourselves is the only thing that stops us from forgiving others. Every single person has said things, done things and ran from feelings. Emotions are wild, they are stronger than the ties that bond us. Long after the verbal exchange of hurt the mind keeps replaying those pieces of pain.
I extend my grace to you, to forgive yourself. Life a life from your heart, from now, this present moment. Not what was, not whats going to be. Life is full of mistakes... let go of the hurt you feel from then, let go of the hurt that's threatening to stealing your joy from now. Give those clips of verbal, emotional and physical abuse back to the abuser. Take accountability for your part in all always and let the rest go. Your mind is abusing you now, not the abuser. That my friend makes us responsible for breaking open our hearts and foraging on despite the mental chains holding us down.
YOU ARE ENOUGH, ALWAYS, IN ALL WAYS
In my pursuit of happiness and reaching my ultimate goal of a " healthy life" I've come to my personal conclusion. As humans we form daily routines, routines turn into patterns and patterns turn into years. In my younger life I was conditioned to the feeling of toxic energy. The feeling of walking on eggshells. The change in energy the second I walked through the door was as intense as a punch to the gut. My routine became as simple as good energy was anywhere but home. The energy at home was always so thick with tension. My pattern became keeping negative energy in my home long after being conditioned to feel it. So in short I was conditioned to maintain an unbalanced energy.... My pattern and comfort choose to keep the imbalance until a year ago.
I started a process a year ago to change myself for the better even if it meant standing alone. I put myself, my feelings, my soul happiness above EVERY.SINGLE.THING. I started meditating, manifesting what I wanted, how I planned to get there and how I was going to maintain my new life.
Its been harder than I ever imagined.. Our patterns, our environment, and especially hearts are constantly changing. Those changing variables pushed me to the brink more than once to give up and go back to what "felt" normal. I learned the hard way I didn't love myself. Not unconditionally and most days not even a bit of love came through. Fighting to confront my wrongs, my rights and all the lessons I had learned broke my heart open like a porcelain piggy bank.
I was broken, so damaged and taking it out on everyone I loved most. It was time to look in the mirror and accept fully the choices I had made one by one to get me to now. There is a saying " the hardest thing in life is giving an apology to someone who doesn't deserve it" that person was myself. The very second I fully forgave myself for every vile, hurtful, angry thing I'd ever said/done my heart felt lighter.
The guilt we feel inside ourselves is the only thing that stops us from forgiving others. Every single person has said things, done things and ran from feelings. Emotions are wild, they are stronger than the ties that bond us. Long after the verbal exchange of hurt the mind keeps replaying those pieces of pain.
I extend my grace to you, to forgive yourself. Life a life from your heart, from now, this present moment. Not what was, not whats going to be. Life is full of mistakes... let go of the hurt you feel from then, let go of the hurt that's threatening to stealing your joy from now. Give those clips of verbal, emotional and physical abuse back to the abuser. Take accountability for your part in all always and let the rest go. Your mind is abusing you now, not the abuser. That my friend makes us responsible for breaking open our hearts and foraging on despite the mental chains holding us down.
YOU ARE ENOUGH, ALWAYS, IN ALL WAYS
Monday, June 13, 2016
Year 4
A letter to my son:
Its summer time now, that means you have another birthday. This year its all about pirates and sharks. You're dead set on having a pirate party in full costume wear. As I did the yearly cleaning of clothes and toys that no longer fit, it hit me harder than last year. I want to write down all the things I love about this "year" so that one day you can look back and treasure them with your own children.
This year we have done so many firsts together. We took our first trip to CA. Watching you meet family for the first time healed my heart in ways I never expected. Your ease meeting new people amazes me. In your little body you find a way to be so strong, so gentle and so patient. You amaze me. I'll never understand the magnitude of your greatness and all you bring to me.
Your little voice and the lisps you make when saying "shishing" instead of fishing. Being crabby after long naps and just wanting mama cuddles. Its never wanting to let go of these moments and urging you to grow and blossom on your own.
You still tell me you're not a baby anymore. Your so big and "grown up" at times I forget you're just 3 going on 4. I watch you sleep and think back to your crib days and for a fleeting second I can still smell your new baby skin.
A bond between a mother and son is something I used to see from a distance. My son, the bond we have created has pushed me to places I've only dreamed about. It is such an honor to be your mother.
Today its your toothy smile and baby faced grin. While your free spirit, your willingness to grow, and heart of gold will carry you far. Never forget to believe in you, you are all you need to succeed.
~ Love Mom
Its summer time now, that means you have another birthday. This year its all about pirates and sharks. You're dead set on having a pirate party in full costume wear. As I did the yearly cleaning of clothes and toys that no longer fit, it hit me harder than last year. I want to write down all the things I love about this "year" so that one day you can look back and treasure them with your own children.
This year we have done so many firsts together. We took our first trip to CA. Watching you meet family for the first time healed my heart in ways I never expected. Your ease meeting new people amazes me. In your little body you find a way to be so strong, so gentle and so patient. You amaze me. I'll never understand the magnitude of your greatness and all you bring to me.
Your little voice and the lisps you make when saying "shishing" instead of fishing. Being crabby after long naps and just wanting mama cuddles. Its never wanting to let go of these moments and urging you to grow and blossom on your own.
You still tell me you're not a baby anymore. Your so big and "grown up" at times I forget you're just 3 going on 4. I watch you sleep and think back to your crib days and for a fleeting second I can still smell your new baby skin.
A bond between a mother and son is something I used to see from a distance. My son, the bond we have created has pushed me to places I've only dreamed about. It is such an honor to be your mother.
Today its your toothy smile and baby faced grin. While your free spirit, your willingness to grow, and heart of gold will carry you far. Never forget to believe in you, you are all you need to succeed.
~ Love Mom
Friday, May 13, 2016
Unicorn Love
Thank god for music... Sometimes music is the only way to break through that thick shell protecting our heart. Words and lyrics soften that exterior... "When the Right one Comes Along" is the focus for today.
To all my unicorns that feed my soul I wouldn't be where I am today without your love. It literally feeds me and keeps me sane. To the unicorn imposters that broke my heart and left the pieces thank you for showing me the difference. To the ones I've set free, I'm fighting for you and cheering you on, our time will come back around. To the ones that set me free I'm thankful for the release. The force to look deep inside and grow is a gift
CLARE BOWEN LYRICS
"When The Right One Comes Along"
(with Sam Palladio)
There's no music, no confetti
Crowds don't cheer, and bells don't ring
But you'll know it, I can guarantee
When the right one comes along
What they're thinkin', what you're feelin,
You no longer have to guess
All those questions are finally put to rest
When the right one comes along
Every single broken heart will lead you to the truth
You think you know what you're lookin for
Til what you're lookin for finds you
(with Sam Palladio)
There's no music, no confetti
Crowds don't cheer, and bells don't ring
But you'll know it, I can guarantee
When the right one comes along
What they're thinkin', what you're feelin,
You no longer have to guess
All those questions are finally put to rest
When the right one comes along
Every single broken heart will lead you to the truth
You think you know what you're lookin for
Til what you're lookin for finds you
When all the heartache starts to make sense and it feels like the corner has been turned who is standing beside you? Is it your friends? Family? A spouse? Whoever it is ought to feel like a needle finding a vein. When you find it you'll know. The connection, the energy, a soul vibration that lets you know you're home.
These "Unicorns" in life are the purest form of love. These are the friends that pick up where time left off years ago. Maybe its the checker at the supermarket..... Is it your spouse? Its that force that awakes inside when meeting someone for the first time that can never be stifled.
To be loved by a unicorn is the most euphoric form of love... Its what all the sappy movies are made from. Its not a fairy tail, the right person will come along. Stop settling for the person who gives you butterflies and strive for the one that awakes the fire inside of yourself.
The love of a unicorn loves unconditionally. It sees you in soul form vs physical form. Loving fully knowing it can't be tamed... The power to let go and encourage others knowing the connection will always bring them back.
When you find these connections nurture them with all you have and when its time set them free. It will come back and it will remind you to be alive.. To live everyday knowing you could be someones unicorn.
To all my unicorns that feed my soul I wouldn't be where I am today without your love. It literally feeds me and keeps me sane. To the unicorn imposters that broke my heart and left the pieces thank you for showing me the difference. To the ones I've set free, I'm fighting for you and cheering you on, our time will come back around. To the ones that set me free I'm thankful for the release. The force to look deep inside and grow is a gift
Monday, May 9, 2016
Grinch
In Who-Ville they say, That the Grinch's small heart grew three sizes that day! And the minute his heart didn't quite feel so tight..... ~ Dr. Seuss
As the layers of past hurts fall away I'm taken back by the physical sensation of my heart breaking free. It feels bigger, stronger, softer and full of this imaginable euphoric feeling of love.
This is precisely how the Grinch must have felt that Christmas morning down in Who-Ville.
I am reminded daily how far I've come, how blessed I am to have good people in my life and how utterly precious life is.
This week I pondered a lot on what to blog about, I have so much to share. So many feelings and thoughts but none of it felt right. Sometimes you don't know what you need until the right thing comes along. Its not always my journey to know... Be still. Be patient.It will come when you least expect it.
Saturday was supposed to be a pseudo mothers day... I wanted to sleep in, indulge in a cup of HOT coffee (opposed to the cold coffee I normally have) and delight in a perfectly toasted strawberry poptart....... the day I had planned so perfectly in my head seemed so simple, so attainable that it was impossible to screw up ( fuck you ego)
In reality things didn't go according to my fairytale plan... The plan was bigger, stronger more vast than me. I was back to this place of dreamy expectation, disappointing reality and the space between the two.
My inner self's time to shine.... my ego could bitch and moan or my inner self could rein in my disappointment and make the best of the day. In that brief moment I'd already beaten the brokenness inside me.. I choose to win and win I did!
The rest of the day was spent in this foggy appreciation for my life and the ability I had to make the best of it. The power of my breath, my heart and soul is meant to be shared. The more I live from the heart I'm able to see the good in others. I beg you to find your inner-self and nurture it.
I've always loved cards and holidays.... Mostly cause it meant I was supposed to feel something better than what I feel day in and day out. Just because its mothers day or a birthday doesn't mean the feelings are real. This year it wasn't about cards or gifts or anything really and for once reality beat my egos wildest imagination. It's indescribable really to feel so happy so loved and entirely complete. Its the words that are felt without needing to be said. I've worked my ass off to feel this way and god damn it felt good. For once in my life I felt deserving and not guilty.
Ironically I fished mothers day with a frosted strawberry poptart and it tasted better than my 6 year old self remembered. My heart grew three sizes this weekend and I'm forever grateful for this journey....
As the layers of past hurts fall away I'm taken back by the physical sensation of my heart breaking free. It feels bigger, stronger, softer and full of this imaginable euphoric feeling of love.
This is precisely how the Grinch must have felt that Christmas morning down in Who-Ville.
I am reminded daily how far I've come, how blessed I am to have good people in my life and how utterly precious life is.
This week I pondered a lot on what to blog about, I have so much to share. So many feelings and thoughts but none of it felt right. Sometimes you don't know what you need until the right thing comes along. Its not always my journey to know... Be still. Be patient.It will come when you least expect it.
Saturday was supposed to be a pseudo mothers day... I wanted to sleep in, indulge in a cup of HOT coffee (opposed to the cold coffee I normally have) and delight in a perfectly toasted strawberry poptart....... the day I had planned so perfectly in my head seemed so simple, so attainable that it was impossible to screw up ( fuck you ego)
In reality things didn't go according to my fairytale plan... The plan was bigger, stronger more vast than me. I was back to this place of dreamy expectation, disappointing reality and the space between the two.
My inner self's time to shine.... my ego could bitch and moan or my inner self could rein in my disappointment and make the best of the day. In that brief moment I'd already beaten the brokenness inside me.. I choose to win and win I did!
The rest of the day was spent in this foggy appreciation for my life and the ability I had to make the best of it. The power of my breath, my heart and soul is meant to be shared. The more I live from the heart I'm able to see the good in others. I beg you to find your inner-self and nurture it.
I've always loved cards and holidays.... Mostly cause it meant I was supposed to feel something better than what I feel day in and day out. Just because its mothers day or a birthday doesn't mean the feelings are real. This year it wasn't about cards or gifts or anything really and for once reality beat my egos wildest imagination. It's indescribable really to feel so happy so loved and entirely complete. Its the words that are felt without needing to be said. I've worked my ass off to feel this way and god damn it felt good. For once in my life I felt deserving and not guilty.
Ironically I fished mothers day with a frosted strawberry poptart and it tasted better than my 6 year old self remembered. My heart grew three sizes this weekend and I'm forever grateful for this journey....
Friday, April 29, 2016
Tickets
This post is extremely personal, honest and a representation of my beliefs. Through souls searching, meditation and divine intervention I've changed my life. My beliefs are a reflection of my own journey... keep what fits and toss out what isn't for you. This is a huge theme in my life now as well. Keep the good from any situation, work through the bad and ditch the negativity.
This week I got a parking violation ticket and a speeding ticket within an hour of each other. I outlook on these tickets is one of appreciation, thankfulness and healing. Here's why.......
Everyday we make millions of small choices that make larger decisions. Every action has a reaction.. good,bad or indifferent. This is vital to understanding the full process of self reflection and growth.
I regularly park in hourly restricted spaces and seem to beat the odds at every getting fined. I've made many small choices to avoid tickets indirectly however I know the risk of a ticket is always possible. When I saw the ticket my honest thought was okay, I will pay my $25 and move on. I wasn't angry, disjointed, ashamed or any negative feeling. I had no reason to waste my energy getting mad or trying to get out of the ticket. I knew parking there and disregarding the time limit could result in a ticket so I deserve to pay it. I know that a ticket will not deter me from parking in the future so why bother getting upset. I chose my behavior and directly chose my consequence.... It is no fault to the ticket, the officer, the meter ect. Those are excuses we tell ourselves to avoid full acceptance and responsibility for our own actions. Grow the fuck... we make mistakes and whine about the consequences when inside we know who is truly at fault.
My second ticket was even more expected from the same logic as above. I speed all the time I deserved the ticket... I'll pay my fine and move on. What I wasn't expecting was a healing... A divine intervention if you will.
I'm a firm believer in repairing emotional trauma. I believe things happen for a reason. Most importantly I believe in going through excruciating emotional pain ( the kind that brings you to your knees) and learning valuable lessons......I invite you to join me on this story of rehabilitation and understanding.
Seven years ago I was in a fatal accident, I also happened to be in a fresh breakup. The day of the accident is still such a blur with clarity like shards of glass. These hard memories created wound in me I had forgotten about. I made two phone calls that day... neither went well and left me feeling worthless, defeated and crumbled me to thoughts of wishing I was the one who died. My self esteem has never been the same nor has it fully recovered. That day and many days after I used to subconsciously tell myself that if these people didn't care when my life was almost taken then why should I. I had no self worth no confidence and no desire to live. That accident was the first and last time I'd ever been been stopped on the side of the freeway ....Until Yesterday
Being pulled over instantly brought me back to the accident. In that moment I was getting a redo... I was conquering that past hurt. It came full circle for me. I relived that horrific moment to see it from my new found peace. I was meant to get that ticket to let of that past. I got to forgive myself for so many hurts, so many negative thoughts. I took back my power. Coincidentally I made two phone calls after my ticket... Neither calls were answered... Just like all those years ago...... I believe the purpose was to show me how strong I've become. To show me those P.O.S's don't have control over myself worth or me at all quiet frankly. I cried tears of peace. For healing. For forgiveness.... But most importantly for thankfulness that I beat my demons and I made to the other side to see this healing take place.
I am forever amazed at the ability to heal ones self. I dedicate this post to every single one of you who have contributed to making me the person I am today. Thank you for the love, the lessons and being a part of my journey.
This week I got a parking violation ticket and a speeding ticket within an hour of each other. I outlook on these tickets is one of appreciation, thankfulness and healing. Here's why.......
Everyday we make millions of small choices that make larger decisions. Every action has a reaction.. good,bad or indifferent. This is vital to understanding the full process of self reflection and growth.
I regularly park in hourly restricted spaces and seem to beat the odds at every getting fined. I've made many small choices to avoid tickets indirectly however I know the risk of a ticket is always possible. When I saw the ticket my honest thought was okay, I will pay my $25 and move on. I wasn't angry, disjointed, ashamed or any negative feeling. I had no reason to waste my energy getting mad or trying to get out of the ticket. I knew parking there and disregarding the time limit could result in a ticket so I deserve to pay it. I know that a ticket will not deter me from parking in the future so why bother getting upset. I chose my behavior and directly chose my consequence.... It is no fault to the ticket, the officer, the meter ect. Those are excuses we tell ourselves to avoid full acceptance and responsibility for our own actions. Grow the fuck... we make mistakes and whine about the consequences when inside we know who is truly at fault.
My second ticket was even more expected from the same logic as above. I speed all the time I deserved the ticket... I'll pay my fine and move on. What I wasn't expecting was a healing... A divine intervention if you will.
I'm a firm believer in repairing emotional trauma. I believe things happen for a reason. Most importantly I believe in going through excruciating emotional pain ( the kind that brings you to your knees) and learning valuable lessons......I invite you to join me on this story of rehabilitation and understanding.
Seven years ago I was in a fatal accident, I also happened to be in a fresh breakup. The day of the accident is still such a blur with clarity like shards of glass. These hard memories created wound in me I had forgotten about. I made two phone calls that day... neither went well and left me feeling worthless, defeated and crumbled me to thoughts of wishing I was the one who died. My self esteem has never been the same nor has it fully recovered. That day and many days after I used to subconsciously tell myself that if these people didn't care when my life was almost taken then why should I. I had no self worth no confidence and no desire to live. That accident was the first and last time I'd ever been been stopped on the side of the freeway ....Until Yesterday
Being pulled over instantly brought me back to the accident. In that moment I was getting a redo... I was conquering that past hurt. It came full circle for me. I relived that horrific moment to see it from my new found peace. I was meant to get that ticket to let of that past. I got to forgive myself for so many hurts, so many negative thoughts. I took back my power. Coincidentally I made two phone calls after my ticket... Neither calls were answered... Just like all those years ago...... I believe the purpose was to show me how strong I've become. To show me those P.O.S's don't have control over myself worth or me at all quiet frankly. I cried tears of peace. For healing. For forgiveness.... But most importantly for thankfulness that I beat my demons and I made to the other side to see this healing take place.
I am forever amazed at the ability to heal ones self. I dedicate this post to every single one of you who have contributed to making me the person I am today. Thank you for the love, the lessons and being a part of my journey.
Monday, April 11, 2016
Dear Nelly Pt.2 Dating
Topic: Nourishing my marriage
I was recently asked how I maintained a relationship with my spouse after having my son. In short I should have said I didn't.... When my son was first born I wish someone had really told me what it was like. So after learning what not to do, I taught myself how to nourish my marriage.
Before motherhood I had no idea how much time I truly spent on my husband . I had no little person following me or needing me constantly. I was available to him anytime. I spent time going that extra mile to be a great partner. We had dates, we had vacations and we had sex... lots of it in fact. Life was us.... Having a child changed all of that.
Becoming a mother became a who needs me more battle. My son always won. With the sleepless nights and long days I allowed my husbands needs to take the back burner. I spent the first year of motherhood emotionally closed off. My attention was for my son and that was all I could handle at the time. In retrospect I see how I could have done things differently.
By the time I realized there was a gap in my marriage it was too late. The date nights came and went. Family dinners, holidays and months passed with the same emptiness. My marriage was on life support despite loving my husband with every fiber of my being.
What I learned: My marriage has a bank account so to speak. I have to make deposits in order to withdrawal. I had to really look in the mirror and see what I was bringing to the marriage. This isn't about money or any tangible things..... Its more than that. Its about giving your best self to your spouse. I needed to be available to my husband again. He needs a place that safe to unwind and let go, so does your spouse. Its about giving the best you have to them moment by moment. It takes two seconds to send a text that says " I love you" " thinking about you" or really any sweet sentiment. Take that time now before its too late. Be present, be emotional available, think before you speak..... I ask myself, Is this good? Is this constructive ? Supportive ect.
Using what I learned I have been actively dating my husband. Forget the babysitter, dinners and crowds. All those things are nice but won't have the same effect long term. These are based on my experiences so You'll need to make adjustments to fit your situation.
I talk to my husband all day long... he works 14 hour days so we talk, text, snap chat to keep us connected.
We have family meals at night and put our son to bed together. Those two hours before my son goes to bed is the only time he sees his dad monday- friday. I schedule this time and treasure it.
Once my son is in bed I have roughly 2 hours/10h weekly of un-interrupted time to do what I please...In my house that's spouse time. Sure I could be doing laundry or dishes but to be honest I don't want to and I won't. Our time is so limited use it doing what you love.
Get to know your spouse, ask them questions, grow together. No phones, no tv just one on one time. It takes time not money to keep a marriage. Share your thoughts and feelings. Draw a bath and sit together for an hour talking. Send that firtly text... Spice it up
If you take one thing from this it would be DON'T TAKE YOUR SPOUSE FOR GRANTED
I was recently asked how I maintained a relationship with my spouse after having my son. In short I should have said I didn't.... When my son was first born I wish someone had really told me what it was like. So after learning what not to do, I taught myself how to nourish my marriage.
Before motherhood I had no idea how much time I truly spent on my husband . I had no little person following me or needing me constantly. I was available to him anytime. I spent time going that extra mile to be a great partner. We had dates, we had vacations and we had sex... lots of it in fact. Life was us.... Having a child changed all of that.
Becoming a mother became a who needs me more battle. My son always won. With the sleepless nights and long days I allowed my husbands needs to take the back burner. I spent the first year of motherhood emotionally closed off. My attention was for my son and that was all I could handle at the time. In retrospect I see how I could have done things differently.
By the time I realized there was a gap in my marriage it was too late. The date nights came and went. Family dinners, holidays and months passed with the same emptiness. My marriage was on life support despite loving my husband with every fiber of my being.
What I learned: My marriage has a bank account so to speak. I have to make deposits in order to withdrawal. I had to really look in the mirror and see what I was bringing to the marriage. This isn't about money or any tangible things..... Its more than that. Its about giving your best self to your spouse. I needed to be available to my husband again. He needs a place that safe to unwind and let go, so does your spouse. Its about giving the best you have to them moment by moment. It takes two seconds to send a text that says " I love you" " thinking about you" or really any sweet sentiment. Take that time now before its too late. Be present, be emotional available, think before you speak..... I ask myself, Is this good? Is this constructive ? Supportive ect.
Using what I learned I have been actively dating my husband. Forget the babysitter, dinners and crowds. All those things are nice but won't have the same effect long term. These are based on my experiences so You'll need to make adjustments to fit your situation.
I talk to my husband all day long... he works 14 hour days so we talk, text, snap chat to keep us connected.
We have family meals at night and put our son to bed together. Those two hours before my son goes to bed is the only time he sees his dad monday- friday. I schedule this time and treasure it.
Once my son is in bed I have roughly 2 hours/10h weekly of un-interrupted time to do what I please...In my house that's spouse time. Sure I could be doing laundry or dishes but to be honest I don't want to and I won't. Our time is so limited use it doing what you love.
Get to know your spouse, ask them questions, grow together. No phones, no tv just one on one time. It takes time not money to keep a marriage. Share your thoughts and feelings. Draw a bath and sit together for an hour talking. Send that firtly text... Spice it up
If you take one thing from this it would be DON'T TAKE YOUR SPOUSE FOR GRANTED
Friday, April 8, 2016
Dear Nelly Pt 1 Balance
Life is all about balancing... Balancing expectations and reality.... Balancing self time vs. family time
Today I'm trying a new format, a Dear Abby style with a raw edge when it comes to parenting and REAL life. Disclaimer: This is real shit, its honest, its raw and not sugar coated... Continue at your own risk!
Hobbies.... What are those? Are you thinking about them? What you used to do? What used to make your soul happy? How long has it been since you've done something for yourself WITHOUT feeling GUILTY?
Finding time for ourselves is nearly impossible... Add kids, husband, jobs, responsibilities and there is no time to breathe let alone enjoy a hobby. As women it is extremely important to carve out time for ourselves. If we don't take the time to establish boundaries no one is going to do it for us. Before we can "wife, mother, teach, or protect" we must remember our worth, our value and needs matter.
Can you pay bills with an overdrawn account? How many checks are you bouncing on your own energy. It is so vital to make that effort to honor thyself. Every single day take time to do something that fills your soul... Whether its getting up 30 mins early to actually enjoy that hot cup of coffee.. You'll thank me...... Is it going to yoga? Throw the kids in the car.. snot noses and all, I'm sure you think you can't go out with three day old clothes but you can and you should... You'll thank me.... Lock the bathroom door and read through facebook, twitter or a magazine... Just do it.
It starts by doing one thing and slowly becomes easier to navigate the levels of time needed.. You'll have those days where things feel fine and you can conquer care line and grocery shopping sans coffee.. Then there are the days where you need a stay-cation to just sleep. This is ok... You need this! We take on the boo boos, the meltdowns, the feeding cleaning ect and yet taking 10 mins for ourselves creates immense guilt.
I've been there done it all and thought this was how things were supposed to be. After my son turned two and i stopped nursing I finally got it. I took my first girls trip and spent 4 whole days with no kid and no husband. I can't tell you how much that trip saved my sanity and how much I realized I need to start putting myself first. I can be a better wife and a better moment if I make the time for myself.
Find what makes you happy and do that guilt free... Once a day, once a week. Whatever schedule fits your lifestyle. Call a friend, get a pedicure... schedule weekly blowouts. I don't know any mom out there who doesn't have a pep in their step after getting their hair done.
Ask for help, be your own advocate and be honest with yourself and your feelings.. If you need the break TAKE IT! Its your right to be you and not get lost in the chaos.
Today I'm trying a new format, a Dear Abby style with a raw edge when it comes to parenting and REAL life. Disclaimer: This is real shit, its honest, its raw and not sugar coated... Continue at your own risk!
Hobbies.... What are those? Are you thinking about them? What you used to do? What used to make your soul happy? How long has it been since you've done something for yourself WITHOUT feeling GUILTY?
Finding time for ourselves is nearly impossible... Add kids, husband, jobs, responsibilities and there is no time to breathe let alone enjoy a hobby. As women it is extremely important to carve out time for ourselves. If we don't take the time to establish boundaries no one is going to do it for us. Before we can "wife, mother, teach, or protect" we must remember our worth, our value and needs matter.
Can you pay bills with an overdrawn account? How many checks are you bouncing on your own energy. It is so vital to make that effort to honor thyself. Every single day take time to do something that fills your soul... Whether its getting up 30 mins early to actually enjoy that hot cup of coffee.. You'll thank me...... Is it going to yoga? Throw the kids in the car.. snot noses and all, I'm sure you think you can't go out with three day old clothes but you can and you should... You'll thank me.... Lock the bathroom door and read through facebook, twitter or a magazine... Just do it.
It starts by doing one thing and slowly becomes easier to navigate the levels of time needed.. You'll have those days where things feel fine and you can conquer care line and grocery shopping sans coffee.. Then there are the days where you need a stay-cation to just sleep. This is ok... You need this! We take on the boo boos, the meltdowns, the feeding cleaning ect and yet taking 10 mins for ourselves creates immense guilt.
I've been there done it all and thought this was how things were supposed to be. After my son turned two and i stopped nursing I finally got it. I took my first girls trip and spent 4 whole days with no kid and no husband. I can't tell you how much that trip saved my sanity and how much I realized I need to start putting myself first. I can be a better wife and a better moment if I make the time for myself.
Find what makes you happy and do that guilt free... Once a day, once a week. Whatever schedule fits your lifestyle. Call a friend, get a pedicure... schedule weekly blowouts. I don't know any mom out there who doesn't have a pep in their step after getting their hair done.
Ask for help, be your own advocate and be honest with yourself and your feelings.. If you need the break TAKE IT! Its your right to be you and not get lost in the chaos.
Wednesday, March 30, 2016
Social Media Assumptions
Living in a time where Insta-Models and catfishes are out to get our men..... Women judge each other solely on appearance. Moms in mommy wars over Pinterest projects and school party favors. Where does it end?
Have you stopped to look at these images as actual people? Have you taken the time to get to know them? As a society we lack the skill of relationships. Do we even know what it means to have bonded friendships anymore?
As humans our desire to feel loved, fit in and accepted is so great that society is suffering.We are at a time where anyone will do anything to achieve fame....I think its all a bluff, people are lonely and its our own damn fault for not being vulnerable.
How fake is this shit.... and we are all guilty to some degree of shaping the way people view us.
Have you taken the time to see that insta-model as anything other than the girl with perfect hair, make up and a banging body? What about her thoughts? Her goals and desires? Its easy to assume she has it all by a picture....
If you were a stranger looking at your own profile what would picture would it paint?
Would it show the struggles in your marriage? The discontent in life? The dark depression you fight so hard to block from the world? What part are you playing in your head vs the part everyone else sees?
Mine would show a happy family, smiles, and adventures. It shows family time, vacations and so much fun. What is doesn't show is pain, tears and hard fought battles. Pretending to have it all and pretending to be happy is so consuming. There comes a point where the suffocation becomes to much and its time to be real, be raw and be honest. If not with the world we at least owe it to ourselves.
My photos don't show anger, fear or resentment. They don't show the struggle it is to get up in the morning... How do you just tell someone all these thoughts and feelings without seeming creepy... Its wanting the whole world to care and be supportive but being to afraid to ask. Self doubt, self loathing, living in a shell is slowly sucking the life out of all of us.
Honor yourself, honor your heart and for goodness sake take off the mask and live your life. The best piece of advise I've ever gotten is to put myself first. The more I nurture my soul and give to my self the more I have to give others. The grace and forgiveness I've bestowed on myself had opened so many doors. We are all human, we all make mistakes the least we can do is support ourselves.
Each and everyone of us has control over our thoughts and emotions, the more we focus on the good the easier it is.
I'd rather loose people for being real than hang on to those who want the perfect image. Quality over quantity and that starts with my actions, my thoughts and my ability to love.....
Have you stopped to look at these images as actual people? Have you taken the time to get to know them? As a society we lack the skill of relationships. Do we even know what it means to have bonded friendships anymore?
As humans our desire to feel loved, fit in and accepted is so great that society is suffering.We are at a time where anyone will do anything to achieve fame....I think its all a bluff, people are lonely and its our own damn fault for not being vulnerable.
How fake is this shit.... and we are all guilty to some degree of shaping the way people view us.
Have you taken the time to see that insta-model as anything other than the girl with perfect hair, make up and a banging body? What about her thoughts? Her goals and desires? Its easy to assume she has it all by a picture....
If you were a stranger looking at your own profile what would picture would it paint?
Would it show the struggles in your marriage? The discontent in life? The dark depression you fight so hard to block from the world? What part are you playing in your head vs the part everyone else sees?
Mine would show a happy family, smiles, and adventures. It shows family time, vacations and so much fun. What is doesn't show is pain, tears and hard fought battles. Pretending to have it all and pretending to be happy is so consuming. There comes a point where the suffocation becomes to much and its time to be real, be raw and be honest. If not with the world we at least owe it to ourselves.
My photos don't show anger, fear or resentment. They don't show the struggle it is to get up in the morning... How do you just tell someone all these thoughts and feelings without seeming creepy... Its wanting the whole world to care and be supportive but being to afraid to ask. Self doubt, self loathing, living in a shell is slowly sucking the life out of all of us.
Honor yourself, honor your heart and for goodness sake take off the mask and live your life. The best piece of advise I've ever gotten is to put myself first. The more I nurture my soul and give to my self the more I have to give others. The grace and forgiveness I've bestowed on myself had opened so many doors. We are all human, we all make mistakes the least we can do is support ourselves.
Each and everyone of us has control over our thoughts and emotions, the more we focus on the good the easier it is.
I'd rather loose people for being real than hang on to those who want the perfect image. Quality over quantity and that starts with my actions, my thoughts and my ability to love.....
Monday, March 28, 2016
2,555 days
For the first time in 7 years I went home. To the town I grew up in, to the place where the memories are buried deeper than the ocean. To the pit of my soul consumed with the fear of failure. It took hitting rock bottom to pick myself up and take a long hard look in the mirror.
The last 18 months have been grueling. Being emotional re-born has pushed me to places I've never wanted to go. Looking at myself in the mirror and for once accepting the person I am. I was broken, I was hurting and not living.
"living" became getting up and doing daily needs all while longing for that next big "feeling". I found myself getting angry over nothing. I found my anxiety growing by the day. Imagine the scratchiest wool sweater on a hot July day. My own fears and insecurities were snuffing out the life I had yearned to have for so long.
To live is a choice... One that cant be bought back. No amount of money in the world could bring time back. From that moment forward I've fought for my time. To use it for good or at-least to stop the bleeding of the pain in my heart.
During this journey I have been able to honor myself, my thoughts and my feelings. My perception is my reality. Example: Thinking poorly about myself set the tone before I could even enjoy myself. That little tape in my head would say " you don't deserve this" " you're such a bitch" "this is boring" ect. All these thoughts and negative emotions were consuming my life and the filter in which I was able to feel anything. An amazing mentor asked me to describe myself once... Everything I thought was negative.......As a simple exercise she asked me to repeat 5 things I loved about myself.... Every morning I take time to honor myself and the good I have to offer.
By changing that simple track in my head my outlook was shifted so much that I was able to see the good in people again. I was able to forgive myself. Giving grace and understanding is free...... The ability to react from experience and understanding vs pain and hurt has been life changing.
This trip had been a long time coming. I was vulnerable, I put every once of energy into repairing feelings, relationships and broken hearts. All it takes is one person.... That first phone call was the scariest thing I've ever done. Saying I'm sorry and expecting nothing in return is a lesson in humility I wish I could have learned sooner. Taking that first step is always the hardest.... Having no expectations and being realistic with the potential outcomes helped balance my anxiety.
Conquering my fears, mistakes and making up for lost time is my mission. With a passion I want to fight for the good. We are all human, we all make mistakes. We all have feelings, honor them, share them and please don't fear them. Holding pieces of ourselves in causes even more confusion in this rat race of a world.
Social media has brought out more insecurities and even more competition.... Think about your family, friends and ourselves. These are the ties that bond us. Your feelings matter.... embrace your power and change the world one person at a time.
One phone called made this trip possible, I'm a amazed and thankful for my family and friends for supporting me on this journey.
Time is the only currency that we need... Spend it wisely
The last 18 months have been grueling. Being emotional re-born has pushed me to places I've never wanted to go. Looking at myself in the mirror and for once accepting the person I am. I was broken, I was hurting and not living.
"living" became getting up and doing daily needs all while longing for that next big "feeling". I found myself getting angry over nothing. I found my anxiety growing by the day. Imagine the scratchiest wool sweater on a hot July day. My own fears and insecurities were snuffing out the life I had yearned to have for so long.
To live is a choice... One that cant be bought back. No amount of money in the world could bring time back. From that moment forward I've fought for my time. To use it for good or at-least to stop the bleeding of the pain in my heart.
During this journey I have been able to honor myself, my thoughts and my feelings. My perception is my reality. Example: Thinking poorly about myself set the tone before I could even enjoy myself. That little tape in my head would say " you don't deserve this" " you're such a bitch" "this is boring" ect. All these thoughts and negative emotions were consuming my life and the filter in which I was able to feel anything. An amazing mentor asked me to describe myself once... Everything I thought was negative.......As a simple exercise she asked me to repeat 5 things I loved about myself.... Every morning I take time to honor myself and the good I have to offer.
By changing that simple track in my head my outlook was shifted so much that I was able to see the good in people again. I was able to forgive myself. Giving grace and understanding is free...... The ability to react from experience and understanding vs pain and hurt has been life changing.
This trip had been a long time coming. I was vulnerable, I put every once of energy into repairing feelings, relationships and broken hearts. All it takes is one person.... That first phone call was the scariest thing I've ever done. Saying I'm sorry and expecting nothing in return is a lesson in humility I wish I could have learned sooner. Taking that first step is always the hardest.... Having no expectations and being realistic with the potential outcomes helped balance my anxiety.
Conquering my fears, mistakes and making up for lost time is my mission. With a passion I want to fight for the good. We are all human, we all make mistakes. We all have feelings, honor them, share them and please don't fear them. Holding pieces of ourselves in causes even more confusion in this rat race of a world.
Social media has brought out more insecurities and even more competition.... Think about your family, friends and ourselves. These are the ties that bond us. Your feelings matter.... embrace your power and change the world one person at a time.
One phone called made this trip possible, I'm a amazed and thankful for my family and friends for supporting me on this journey.
Time is the only currency that we need... Spend it wisely
Welcome back
It has been an incredible amount of time since I've logged in. How long has it been since i stopped the chaos long enough to enjoy a cup of coffee? Longer even since I've taken the time for myself. To unplug, to express my thoughts, to give back to ME.
I've blogged about pregnancy, birth, being a new mom. All those things are a part of me now. They have shaped my perception of what is my "reality". These next blogs will be deeper, raw and healing. The power of words, wisdom and energy have changed my life for the better. If just ONE of you can take a piece of my journey to improve yours its all worth it.
Who knew being a mom would pull out my deepest insecurities, break relationships and fill me with a love that's unexplainable.
My son, you have loved me, forgiven me and pushed me to be the best I can be. I'll forever be grateful you came into my life.
My husband..... without you I'd be a puddle of tears on the floor. You see me in a light so great that only you see fully. You build me up... You push me and you are my anchor of support. This life we have if so full, so rich and better than any fairytale.
Lastly to every single one of you reading, believe in yourself. Be the flame that ignites fires. Feel the burn, the passion for living and letting go of all that has "broken" us.
I've blogged about pregnancy, birth, being a new mom. All those things are a part of me now. They have shaped my perception of what is my "reality". These next blogs will be deeper, raw and healing. The power of words, wisdom and energy have changed my life for the better. If just ONE of you can take a piece of my journey to improve yours its all worth it.
Who knew being a mom would pull out my deepest insecurities, break relationships and fill me with a love that's unexplainable.
My son, you have loved me, forgiven me and pushed me to be the best I can be. I'll forever be grateful you came into my life.
My husband..... without you I'd be a puddle of tears on the floor. You see me in a light so great that only you see fully. You build me up... You push me and you are my anchor of support. This life we have if so full, so rich and better than any fairytale.
Lastly to every single one of you reading, believe in yourself. Be the flame that ignites fires. Feel the burn, the passion for living and letting go of all that has "broken" us.
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