For the first time in 7 years I went home. To the town I grew up in, to the place where the memories are buried deeper than the ocean. To the pit of my soul consumed with the fear of failure. It took hitting rock bottom to pick myself up and take a long hard look in the mirror.
The last 18 months have been grueling. Being emotional re-born has pushed me to places I've never wanted to go. Looking at myself in the mirror and for once accepting the person I am. I was broken, I was hurting and not living.
"living" became getting up and doing daily needs all while longing for that next big "feeling". I found myself getting angry over nothing. I found my anxiety growing by the day. Imagine the scratchiest wool sweater on a hot July day. My own fears and insecurities were snuffing out the life I had yearned to have for so long.
To live is a choice... One that cant be bought back. No amount of money in the world could bring time back. From that moment forward I've fought for my time. To use it for good or at-least to stop the bleeding of the pain in my heart.
During this journey I have been able to honor myself, my thoughts and my feelings. My perception is my reality. Example: Thinking poorly about myself set the tone before I could even enjoy myself. That little tape in my head would say " you don't deserve this" " you're such a bitch" "this is boring" ect. All these thoughts and negative emotions were consuming my life and the filter in which I was able to feel anything. An amazing mentor asked me to describe myself once... Everything I thought was negative.......As a simple exercise she asked me to repeat 5 things I loved about myself.... Every morning I take time to honor myself and the good I have to offer.
By changing that simple track in my head my outlook was shifted so much that I was able to see the good in people again. I was able to forgive myself. Giving grace and understanding is free...... The ability to react from experience and understanding vs pain and hurt has been life changing.
This trip had been a long time coming. I was vulnerable, I put every once of energy into repairing feelings, relationships and broken hearts. All it takes is one person.... That first phone call was the scariest thing I've ever done. Saying I'm sorry and expecting nothing in return is a lesson in humility I wish I could have learned sooner. Taking that first step is always the hardest.... Having no expectations and being realistic with the potential outcomes helped balance my anxiety.
Conquering my fears, mistakes and making up for lost time is my mission. With a passion I want to fight for the good. We are all human, we all make mistakes. We all have feelings, honor them, share them and please don't fear them. Holding pieces of ourselves in causes even more confusion in this rat race of a world.
Social media has brought out more insecurities and even more competition.... Think about your family, friends and ourselves. These are the ties that bond us. Your feelings matter.... embrace your power and change the world one person at a time.
One phone called made this trip possible, I'm a amazed and thankful for my family and friends for supporting me on this journey.
Time is the only currency that we need... Spend it wisely
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