Growing up in an emotionally toxic home I used to question if I was capable of living a " healthy life". Am I toxic because I was conditioned that way or am "I" toxic inside all on my own?
In my pursuit of happiness and reaching my ultimate goal of a " healthy life" I've come to my personal conclusion. As humans we form daily routines, routines turn into patterns and patterns turn into years. In my younger life I was conditioned to the feeling of toxic energy. The feeling of walking on eggshells. The change in energy the second I walked through the door was as intense as a punch to the gut. My routine became as simple as good energy was anywhere but home. The energy at home was always so thick with tension. My pattern became keeping negative energy in my home long after being conditioned to feel it. So in short I was conditioned to maintain an unbalanced energy.... My pattern and comfort choose to keep the imbalance until a year ago.
I started a process a year ago to change myself for the better even if it meant standing alone. I put myself, my feelings, my soul happiness above EVERY.SINGLE.THING. I started meditating, manifesting what I wanted, how I planned to get there and how I was going to maintain my new life.
Its been harder than I ever imagined.. Our patterns, our environment, and especially hearts are constantly changing. Those changing variables pushed me to the brink more than once to give up and go back to what "felt" normal. I learned the hard way I didn't love myself. Not unconditionally and most days not even a bit of love came through. Fighting to confront my wrongs, my rights and all the lessons I had learned broke my heart open like a porcelain piggy bank.
I was broken, so damaged and taking it out on everyone I loved most. It was time to look in the mirror and accept fully the choices I had made one by one to get me to now. There is a saying " the hardest thing in life is giving an apology to someone who doesn't deserve it" that person was myself. The very second I fully forgave myself for every vile, hurtful, angry thing I'd ever said/done my heart felt lighter.
The guilt we feel inside ourselves is the only thing that stops us from forgiving others. Every single person has said things, done things and ran from feelings. Emotions are wild, they are stronger than the ties that bond us. Long after the verbal exchange of hurt the mind keeps replaying those pieces of pain.
I extend my grace to you, to forgive yourself. Life a life from your heart, from now, this present moment. Not what was, not whats going to be. Life is full of mistakes... let go of the hurt you feel from then, let go of the hurt that's threatening to stealing your joy from now. Give those clips of verbal, emotional and physical abuse back to the abuser. Take accountability for your part in all always and let the rest go. Your mind is abusing you now, not the abuser. That my friend makes us responsible for breaking open our hearts and foraging on despite the mental chains holding us down.
YOU ARE ENOUGH, ALWAYS, IN ALL WAYS
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