What is TBD you ask... TO BUSY DISORDER.... to fucking busy to say the whole "disorder" and its the life we've come to know a flourish in.
Its disgusting to me that life itself is the lowest priority for some. Do you know your neighbor? Have you called your mom this week or are you TOO FUCKING BUSY?
When the rat race of life becomes so overwhelming so damn busy if you will, what summers most is life.... Why does it take mass shootings, natural disasters or tragic events for people to wake the fuck up and realize the most important things in life are being tossed away.
Money its a necessity to some degree, but it is not life. Do not waste your life chasing this cheddar to have it all go down in flames. When all this "stuff" is gone and the world is left with nothing but strangers staring at each other maybe people will get it.
When the joy we get in our children is zapped by the demand to "pay" for them and all the "time" they need is too demanding because us parents have TBD. Every second of every month is planned to the tee, that's not living that's surviving.
So much judgment, so much hate... we are all the same.... human beings. We deserve love and respect and general concern for life. Don't let your TBD turn you into one of those self righteous assholes sitting behind a screen judging from the tiny perspective facebook or the news shows you.
And to the "cyber bullies" when your time comes and you want sympathy or compassion pray to god... he's your maker and he'll decide whats next for you.
Wednesday, July 13, 2016
Monday, June 27, 2016
Time Stops With You
Death is never forgotten... For the ones that remain carry a pain so deep only death itself can heal it. When past memories are the only way to gauge happiness reality is somehow lost. Lost somewhere in the past and future and missing everything in between.
Grief has a way of hiding underneath everything. After all the anger and pain subside, life comes back or so we think. Grief is tricky it keeps coming back, relentless at times. Grief exposes all the holes in our hearts. Those same holes that we fill with stuff. Stuff like cars and clothes and handbags. None of this "STUFF" will ever fill the holes left by death.
That cavern is like the ocean. Some days the waves flow in and out as expected. Then a hurricane comes and blows everything to bits. Every time crumbling my heart like a wooden ship. We're taught to move on, to just get over it. Hearts can't be put back together like humpty dumpty.
No adjective can describe the emptiness left when a loved one passes on. To all of you who are grieving or missing or hurting.... That pain inside doesn't define you. Your greatness here in the present is vital to moving forward. Live in their honor... Take control of life and live it.
We owe it to our loved ones here to be "present" before we're just a memory ourselves.
Grief has a way of hiding underneath everything. After all the anger and pain subside, life comes back or so we think. Grief is tricky it keeps coming back, relentless at times. Grief exposes all the holes in our hearts. Those same holes that we fill with stuff. Stuff like cars and clothes and handbags. None of this "STUFF" will ever fill the holes left by death.
That cavern is like the ocean. Some days the waves flow in and out as expected. Then a hurricane comes and blows everything to bits. Every time crumbling my heart like a wooden ship. We're taught to move on, to just get over it. Hearts can't be put back together like humpty dumpty.
No adjective can describe the emptiness left when a loved one passes on. To all of you who are grieving or missing or hurting.... That pain inside doesn't define you. Your greatness here in the present is vital to moving forward. Live in their honor... Take control of life and live it.
We owe it to our loved ones here to be "present" before we're just a memory ourselves.
Tuesday, June 21, 2016
Hampster Wheels & Broken Hearts
Growing up in an emotionally toxic home I used to question if I was capable of living a " healthy life". Am I toxic because I was conditioned that way or am "I" toxic inside all on my own?
In my pursuit of happiness and reaching my ultimate goal of a " healthy life" I've come to my personal conclusion. As humans we form daily routines, routines turn into patterns and patterns turn into years. In my younger life I was conditioned to the feeling of toxic energy. The feeling of walking on eggshells. The change in energy the second I walked through the door was as intense as a punch to the gut. My routine became as simple as good energy was anywhere but home. The energy at home was always so thick with tension. My pattern became keeping negative energy in my home long after being conditioned to feel it. So in short I was conditioned to maintain an unbalanced energy.... My pattern and comfort choose to keep the imbalance until a year ago.
I started a process a year ago to change myself for the better even if it meant standing alone. I put myself, my feelings, my soul happiness above EVERY.SINGLE.THING. I started meditating, manifesting what I wanted, how I planned to get there and how I was going to maintain my new life.
Its been harder than I ever imagined.. Our patterns, our environment, and especially hearts are constantly changing. Those changing variables pushed me to the brink more than once to give up and go back to what "felt" normal. I learned the hard way I didn't love myself. Not unconditionally and most days not even a bit of love came through. Fighting to confront my wrongs, my rights and all the lessons I had learned broke my heart open like a porcelain piggy bank.
I was broken, so damaged and taking it out on everyone I loved most. It was time to look in the mirror and accept fully the choices I had made one by one to get me to now. There is a saying " the hardest thing in life is giving an apology to someone who doesn't deserve it" that person was myself. The very second I fully forgave myself for every vile, hurtful, angry thing I'd ever said/done my heart felt lighter.
The guilt we feel inside ourselves is the only thing that stops us from forgiving others. Every single person has said things, done things and ran from feelings. Emotions are wild, they are stronger than the ties that bond us. Long after the verbal exchange of hurt the mind keeps replaying those pieces of pain.
I extend my grace to you, to forgive yourself. Life a life from your heart, from now, this present moment. Not what was, not whats going to be. Life is full of mistakes... let go of the hurt you feel from then, let go of the hurt that's threatening to stealing your joy from now. Give those clips of verbal, emotional and physical abuse back to the abuser. Take accountability for your part in all always and let the rest go. Your mind is abusing you now, not the abuser. That my friend makes us responsible for breaking open our hearts and foraging on despite the mental chains holding us down.
YOU ARE ENOUGH, ALWAYS, IN ALL WAYS
In my pursuit of happiness and reaching my ultimate goal of a " healthy life" I've come to my personal conclusion. As humans we form daily routines, routines turn into patterns and patterns turn into years. In my younger life I was conditioned to the feeling of toxic energy. The feeling of walking on eggshells. The change in energy the second I walked through the door was as intense as a punch to the gut. My routine became as simple as good energy was anywhere but home. The energy at home was always so thick with tension. My pattern became keeping negative energy in my home long after being conditioned to feel it. So in short I was conditioned to maintain an unbalanced energy.... My pattern and comfort choose to keep the imbalance until a year ago.
I started a process a year ago to change myself for the better even if it meant standing alone. I put myself, my feelings, my soul happiness above EVERY.SINGLE.THING. I started meditating, manifesting what I wanted, how I planned to get there and how I was going to maintain my new life.
Its been harder than I ever imagined.. Our patterns, our environment, and especially hearts are constantly changing. Those changing variables pushed me to the brink more than once to give up and go back to what "felt" normal. I learned the hard way I didn't love myself. Not unconditionally and most days not even a bit of love came through. Fighting to confront my wrongs, my rights and all the lessons I had learned broke my heart open like a porcelain piggy bank.
I was broken, so damaged and taking it out on everyone I loved most. It was time to look in the mirror and accept fully the choices I had made one by one to get me to now. There is a saying " the hardest thing in life is giving an apology to someone who doesn't deserve it" that person was myself. The very second I fully forgave myself for every vile, hurtful, angry thing I'd ever said/done my heart felt lighter.
The guilt we feel inside ourselves is the only thing that stops us from forgiving others. Every single person has said things, done things and ran from feelings. Emotions are wild, they are stronger than the ties that bond us. Long after the verbal exchange of hurt the mind keeps replaying those pieces of pain.
I extend my grace to you, to forgive yourself. Life a life from your heart, from now, this present moment. Not what was, not whats going to be. Life is full of mistakes... let go of the hurt you feel from then, let go of the hurt that's threatening to stealing your joy from now. Give those clips of verbal, emotional and physical abuse back to the abuser. Take accountability for your part in all always and let the rest go. Your mind is abusing you now, not the abuser. That my friend makes us responsible for breaking open our hearts and foraging on despite the mental chains holding us down.
YOU ARE ENOUGH, ALWAYS, IN ALL WAYS
Monday, June 13, 2016
Year 4
A letter to my son:
Its summer time now, that means you have another birthday. This year its all about pirates and sharks. You're dead set on having a pirate party in full costume wear. As I did the yearly cleaning of clothes and toys that no longer fit, it hit me harder than last year. I want to write down all the things I love about this "year" so that one day you can look back and treasure them with your own children.
This year we have done so many firsts together. We took our first trip to CA. Watching you meet family for the first time healed my heart in ways I never expected. Your ease meeting new people amazes me. In your little body you find a way to be so strong, so gentle and so patient. You amaze me. I'll never understand the magnitude of your greatness and all you bring to me.
Your little voice and the lisps you make when saying "shishing" instead of fishing. Being crabby after long naps and just wanting mama cuddles. Its never wanting to let go of these moments and urging you to grow and blossom on your own.
You still tell me you're not a baby anymore. Your so big and "grown up" at times I forget you're just 3 going on 4. I watch you sleep and think back to your crib days and for a fleeting second I can still smell your new baby skin.
A bond between a mother and son is something I used to see from a distance. My son, the bond we have created has pushed me to places I've only dreamed about. It is such an honor to be your mother.
Today its your toothy smile and baby faced grin. While your free spirit, your willingness to grow, and heart of gold will carry you far. Never forget to believe in you, you are all you need to succeed.
~ Love Mom
Its summer time now, that means you have another birthday. This year its all about pirates and sharks. You're dead set on having a pirate party in full costume wear. As I did the yearly cleaning of clothes and toys that no longer fit, it hit me harder than last year. I want to write down all the things I love about this "year" so that one day you can look back and treasure them with your own children.
This year we have done so many firsts together. We took our first trip to CA. Watching you meet family for the first time healed my heart in ways I never expected. Your ease meeting new people amazes me. In your little body you find a way to be so strong, so gentle and so patient. You amaze me. I'll never understand the magnitude of your greatness and all you bring to me.
Your little voice and the lisps you make when saying "shishing" instead of fishing. Being crabby after long naps and just wanting mama cuddles. Its never wanting to let go of these moments and urging you to grow and blossom on your own.
You still tell me you're not a baby anymore. Your so big and "grown up" at times I forget you're just 3 going on 4. I watch you sleep and think back to your crib days and for a fleeting second I can still smell your new baby skin.
A bond between a mother and son is something I used to see from a distance. My son, the bond we have created has pushed me to places I've only dreamed about. It is such an honor to be your mother.
Today its your toothy smile and baby faced grin. While your free spirit, your willingness to grow, and heart of gold will carry you far. Never forget to believe in you, you are all you need to succeed.
~ Love Mom
Friday, May 13, 2016
Unicorn Love
Thank god for music... Sometimes music is the only way to break through that thick shell protecting our heart. Words and lyrics soften that exterior... "When the Right one Comes Along" is the focus for today.
To all my unicorns that feed my soul I wouldn't be where I am today without your love. It literally feeds me and keeps me sane. To the unicorn imposters that broke my heart and left the pieces thank you for showing me the difference. To the ones I've set free, I'm fighting for you and cheering you on, our time will come back around. To the ones that set me free I'm thankful for the release. The force to look deep inside and grow is a gift
CLARE BOWEN LYRICS
"When The Right One Comes Along"
(with Sam Palladio)
There's no music, no confetti
Crowds don't cheer, and bells don't ring
But you'll know it, I can guarantee
When the right one comes along
What they're thinkin', what you're feelin,
You no longer have to guess
All those questions are finally put to rest
When the right one comes along
Every single broken heart will lead you to the truth
You think you know what you're lookin for
Til what you're lookin for finds you
(with Sam Palladio)
There's no music, no confetti
Crowds don't cheer, and bells don't ring
But you'll know it, I can guarantee
When the right one comes along
What they're thinkin', what you're feelin,
You no longer have to guess
All those questions are finally put to rest
When the right one comes along
Every single broken heart will lead you to the truth
You think you know what you're lookin for
Til what you're lookin for finds you
When all the heartache starts to make sense and it feels like the corner has been turned who is standing beside you? Is it your friends? Family? A spouse? Whoever it is ought to feel like a needle finding a vein. When you find it you'll know. The connection, the energy, a soul vibration that lets you know you're home.
These "Unicorns" in life are the purest form of love. These are the friends that pick up where time left off years ago. Maybe its the checker at the supermarket..... Is it your spouse? Its that force that awakes inside when meeting someone for the first time that can never be stifled.
To be loved by a unicorn is the most euphoric form of love... Its what all the sappy movies are made from. Its not a fairy tail, the right person will come along. Stop settling for the person who gives you butterflies and strive for the one that awakes the fire inside of yourself.
The love of a unicorn loves unconditionally. It sees you in soul form vs physical form. Loving fully knowing it can't be tamed... The power to let go and encourage others knowing the connection will always bring them back.
When you find these connections nurture them with all you have and when its time set them free. It will come back and it will remind you to be alive.. To live everyday knowing you could be someones unicorn.
To all my unicorns that feed my soul I wouldn't be where I am today without your love. It literally feeds me and keeps me sane. To the unicorn imposters that broke my heart and left the pieces thank you for showing me the difference. To the ones I've set free, I'm fighting for you and cheering you on, our time will come back around. To the ones that set me free I'm thankful for the release. The force to look deep inside and grow is a gift
Monday, May 9, 2016
Grinch
In Who-Ville they say, That the Grinch's small heart grew three sizes that day! And the minute his heart didn't quite feel so tight..... ~ Dr. Seuss
As the layers of past hurts fall away I'm taken back by the physical sensation of my heart breaking free. It feels bigger, stronger, softer and full of this imaginable euphoric feeling of love.
This is precisely how the Grinch must have felt that Christmas morning down in Who-Ville.
I am reminded daily how far I've come, how blessed I am to have good people in my life and how utterly precious life is.
This week I pondered a lot on what to blog about, I have so much to share. So many feelings and thoughts but none of it felt right. Sometimes you don't know what you need until the right thing comes along. Its not always my journey to know... Be still. Be patient.It will come when you least expect it.
Saturday was supposed to be a pseudo mothers day... I wanted to sleep in, indulge in a cup of HOT coffee (opposed to the cold coffee I normally have) and delight in a perfectly toasted strawberry poptart....... the day I had planned so perfectly in my head seemed so simple, so attainable that it was impossible to screw up ( fuck you ego)
In reality things didn't go according to my fairytale plan... The plan was bigger, stronger more vast than me. I was back to this place of dreamy expectation, disappointing reality and the space between the two.
My inner self's time to shine.... my ego could bitch and moan or my inner self could rein in my disappointment and make the best of the day. In that brief moment I'd already beaten the brokenness inside me.. I choose to win and win I did!
The rest of the day was spent in this foggy appreciation for my life and the ability I had to make the best of it. The power of my breath, my heart and soul is meant to be shared. The more I live from the heart I'm able to see the good in others. I beg you to find your inner-self and nurture it.
I've always loved cards and holidays.... Mostly cause it meant I was supposed to feel something better than what I feel day in and day out. Just because its mothers day or a birthday doesn't mean the feelings are real. This year it wasn't about cards or gifts or anything really and for once reality beat my egos wildest imagination. It's indescribable really to feel so happy so loved and entirely complete. Its the words that are felt without needing to be said. I've worked my ass off to feel this way and god damn it felt good. For once in my life I felt deserving and not guilty.
Ironically I fished mothers day with a frosted strawberry poptart and it tasted better than my 6 year old self remembered. My heart grew three sizes this weekend and I'm forever grateful for this journey....
As the layers of past hurts fall away I'm taken back by the physical sensation of my heart breaking free. It feels bigger, stronger, softer and full of this imaginable euphoric feeling of love.
This is precisely how the Grinch must have felt that Christmas morning down in Who-Ville.
I am reminded daily how far I've come, how blessed I am to have good people in my life and how utterly precious life is.
This week I pondered a lot on what to blog about, I have so much to share. So many feelings and thoughts but none of it felt right. Sometimes you don't know what you need until the right thing comes along. Its not always my journey to know... Be still. Be patient.It will come when you least expect it.
Saturday was supposed to be a pseudo mothers day... I wanted to sleep in, indulge in a cup of HOT coffee (opposed to the cold coffee I normally have) and delight in a perfectly toasted strawberry poptart....... the day I had planned so perfectly in my head seemed so simple, so attainable that it was impossible to screw up ( fuck you ego)
In reality things didn't go according to my fairytale plan... The plan was bigger, stronger more vast than me. I was back to this place of dreamy expectation, disappointing reality and the space between the two.
My inner self's time to shine.... my ego could bitch and moan or my inner self could rein in my disappointment and make the best of the day. In that brief moment I'd already beaten the brokenness inside me.. I choose to win and win I did!
The rest of the day was spent in this foggy appreciation for my life and the ability I had to make the best of it. The power of my breath, my heart and soul is meant to be shared. The more I live from the heart I'm able to see the good in others. I beg you to find your inner-self and nurture it.
I've always loved cards and holidays.... Mostly cause it meant I was supposed to feel something better than what I feel day in and day out. Just because its mothers day or a birthday doesn't mean the feelings are real. This year it wasn't about cards or gifts or anything really and for once reality beat my egos wildest imagination. It's indescribable really to feel so happy so loved and entirely complete. Its the words that are felt without needing to be said. I've worked my ass off to feel this way and god damn it felt good. For once in my life I felt deserving and not guilty.
Ironically I fished mothers day with a frosted strawberry poptart and it tasted better than my 6 year old self remembered. My heart grew three sizes this weekend and I'm forever grateful for this journey....
Friday, April 29, 2016
Tickets
This post is extremely personal, honest and a representation of my beliefs. Through souls searching, meditation and divine intervention I've changed my life. My beliefs are a reflection of my own journey... keep what fits and toss out what isn't for you. This is a huge theme in my life now as well. Keep the good from any situation, work through the bad and ditch the negativity.
This week I got a parking violation ticket and a speeding ticket within an hour of each other. I outlook on these tickets is one of appreciation, thankfulness and healing. Here's why.......
Everyday we make millions of small choices that make larger decisions. Every action has a reaction.. good,bad or indifferent. This is vital to understanding the full process of self reflection and growth.
I regularly park in hourly restricted spaces and seem to beat the odds at every getting fined. I've made many small choices to avoid tickets indirectly however I know the risk of a ticket is always possible. When I saw the ticket my honest thought was okay, I will pay my $25 and move on. I wasn't angry, disjointed, ashamed or any negative feeling. I had no reason to waste my energy getting mad or trying to get out of the ticket. I knew parking there and disregarding the time limit could result in a ticket so I deserve to pay it. I know that a ticket will not deter me from parking in the future so why bother getting upset. I chose my behavior and directly chose my consequence.... It is no fault to the ticket, the officer, the meter ect. Those are excuses we tell ourselves to avoid full acceptance and responsibility for our own actions. Grow the fuck... we make mistakes and whine about the consequences when inside we know who is truly at fault.
My second ticket was even more expected from the same logic as above. I speed all the time I deserved the ticket... I'll pay my fine and move on. What I wasn't expecting was a healing... A divine intervention if you will.
I'm a firm believer in repairing emotional trauma. I believe things happen for a reason. Most importantly I believe in going through excruciating emotional pain ( the kind that brings you to your knees) and learning valuable lessons......I invite you to join me on this story of rehabilitation and understanding.
Seven years ago I was in a fatal accident, I also happened to be in a fresh breakup. The day of the accident is still such a blur with clarity like shards of glass. These hard memories created wound in me I had forgotten about. I made two phone calls that day... neither went well and left me feeling worthless, defeated and crumbled me to thoughts of wishing I was the one who died. My self esteem has never been the same nor has it fully recovered. That day and many days after I used to subconsciously tell myself that if these people didn't care when my life was almost taken then why should I. I had no self worth no confidence and no desire to live. That accident was the first and last time I'd ever been been stopped on the side of the freeway ....Until Yesterday
Being pulled over instantly brought me back to the accident. In that moment I was getting a redo... I was conquering that past hurt. It came full circle for me. I relived that horrific moment to see it from my new found peace. I was meant to get that ticket to let of that past. I got to forgive myself for so many hurts, so many negative thoughts. I took back my power. Coincidentally I made two phone calls after my ticket... Neither calls were answered... Just like all those years ago...... I believe the purpose was to show me how strong I've become. To show me those P.O.S's don't have control over myself worth or me at all quiet frankly. I cried tears of peace. For healing. For forgiveness.... But most importantly for thankfulness that I beat my demons and I made to the other side to see this healing take place.
I am forever amazed at the ability to heal ones self. I dedicate this post to every single one of you who have contributed to making me the person I am today. Thank you for the love, the lessons and being a part of my journey.
This week I got a parking violation ticket and a speeding ticket within an hour of each other. I outlook on these tickets is one of appreciation, thankfulness and healing. Here's why.......
Everyday we make millions of small choices that make larger decisions. Every action has a reaction.. good,bad or indifferent. This is vital to understanding the full process of self reflection and growth.
I regularly park in hourly restricted spaces and seem to beat the odds at every getting fined. I've made many small choices to avoid tickets indirectly however I know the risk of a ticket is always possible. When I saw the ticket my honest thought was okay, I will pay my $25 and move on. I wasn't angry, disjointed, ashamed or any negative feeling. I had no reason to waste my energy getting mad or trying to get out of the ticket. I knew parking there and disregarding the time limit could result in a ticket so I deserve to pay it. I know that a ticket will not deter me from parking in the future so why bother getting upset. I chose my behavior and directly chose my consequence.... It is no fault to the ticket, the officer, the meter ect. Those are excuses we tell ourselves to avoid full acceptance and responsibility for our own actions. Grow the fuck... we make mistakes and whine about the consequences when inside we know who is truly at fault.
My second ticket was even more expected from the same logic as above. I speed all the time I deserved the ticket... I'll pay my fine and move on. What I wasn't expecting was a healing... A divine intervention if you will.
I'm a firm believer in repairing emotional trauma. I believe things happen for a reason. Most importantly I believe in going through excruciating emotional pain ( the kind that brings you to your knees) and learning valuable lessons......I invite you to join me on this story of rehabilitation and understanding.
Seven years ago I was in a fatal accident, I also happened to be in a fresh breakup. The day of the accident is still such a blur with clarity like shards of glass. These hard memories created wound in me I had forgotten about. I made two phone calls that day... neither went well and left me feeling worthless, defeated and crumbled me to thoughts of wishing I was the one who died. My self esteem has never been the same nor has it fully recovered. That day and many days after I used to subconsciously tell myself that if these people didn't care when my life was almost taken then why should I. I had no self worth no confidence and no desire to live. That accident was the first and last time I'd ever been been stopped on the side of the freeway ....Until Yesterday
Being pulled over instantly brought me back to the accident. In that moment I was getting a redo... I was conquering that past hurt. It came full circle for me. I relived that horrific moment to see it from my new found peace. I was meant to get that ticket to let of that past. I got to forgive myself for so many hurts, so many negative thoughts. I took back my power. Coincidentally I made two phone calls after my ticket... Neither calls were answered... Just like all those years ago...... I believe the purpose was to show me how strong I've become. To show me those P.O.S's don't have control over myself worth or me at all quiet frankly. I cried tears of peace. For healing. For forgiveness.... But most importantly for thankfulness that I beat my demons and I made to the other side to see this healing take place.
I am forever amazed at the ability to heal ones self. I dedicate this post to every single one of you who have contributed to making me the person I am today. Thank you for the love, the lessons and being a part of my journey.
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